


It Never Gets Easier

by flannery_culp



Category: Scream (TV)
Genre: F/F, Future, Getting Back Together, Grief/Mourning, Post-Break Up, dealing with death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-12 08:13:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7927306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flannery_culp/pseuds/flannery_culp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Emma finds out that Audrey's mother has passed away, there's no question as to whether or not she'll go back to Lakewood for the memorial service. But it's been four years since she was home, and four years since she and Audrey broke up and stopped speaking.</p><p>Being back in Lakewood with Noah and Brooke and especially Audrey isn't easy. But it never really got any easier, anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Hey, Emma, it's Audrey."

Emma bit her lip as she listened to the message. Audrey had called her a few times over the past week, and she had ignored every one of them. It wasn't that she was upset with her. It wasn't even that she didn't want to talk to her. She just didn't know what to say anymore.

"I know it's been awhile, and calling you is... I don't know. I'm really sorry if this is weird for you, but I..." There was a crack in her voice; the sudden sound of a halted sob. "My mom died. And I'm a mess. And I know that we're not on the best terms right now, and I know that asking you of all people to come back to Lakewood is pretty much the worst thing I could do, but if there's any way you could... Noah and Brooke are coming too, if that helps. It's not just the two of us. Just think about it, okay? I know it's a lot but I..." Emma played with the fringe on her blanket while she waited through the silence. "I miss you, Emma. And you're the only one who really knew my mom. And I won't hold it against you if you don't come, but I wanted you to know what was going on. So call me back, I guess. If you can. If you want to. Okay. Bye."

The voicemail ended, and Emma allowed herself to breathe again. Audrey's mother. Jesus Christ.

Emma hadn't known her for long before she got sick. She had gone to see her in Boston a few times, back when she and Audrey were together. She hadn't been doing well, but she had never been doing well. It had never seemed like she would get better, but it had never seemed like it would kill her, either.

She looked down at her phone. She had to call Audrey back. How long had it been since they had actually spoken? She counted back the years. Almost four. It was the last time she had been in Lakewood, too. It was one of those strange stretches of time that seemed both longer and shorter than it had actually been.

It was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do, really. And regardless of what had happened between them, Emma still cared about Audrey and her mother. The fact that she didn't want to go didn't matter. She could pull it together for a few days. She had to.

She took a deep breath, and dialed Audrey's number. She was relieved when it went straight to voicemail.

"Hey," Emma said after the tone. "I just got your message. I'm so, so sorry for your loss, Audrey." She tried to keep her voice from faltering. "Of course I'll come. I can drive down tomorrow morning; I'll be there as soon as I can."


	2. Chapter 2

Emma put the car in park and sat with her hands still on the steering wheel, trying to work herself up to getting out. She hadn't set foot in the house since her first year of college. It was better for her to stay away from Lakewood. Easier. Getting her own apartment eight hours away was the best thing that she ever did for herself. She had promised herself the day she signed the lease that she would never step foot in this town again. And yet here she was.

She grabbed her duffel bag from the back seat and got out of the car, taking her time to walk up to the front door. Her mother was probably waiting right behind it. The walk felt familiar, but not comforting. Like a bad dream you've had before.

Emma had suggested that her mother move when she did. Sell the old house and all of the memories with it. But her mother refused to leave. It wasn't really a surprise, considering the fact that she had come back to Lakewood after everything with Brandon. But it had driven a wedge between them. Maggie needed this place, and Emma needed to be away from it. Their relationship had never been quite the same since.

Her mother opened the door just as Emma placed her foot on the bottom step.

"Emma," she said, giving her a hug. "God, it's good to see you. I wish the circumstances were different, but I'm so glad you're here."

"I'm glad to see you too, Mom," Emma said. She tried not to think about how long it had been since the last time they had seen each other.

"How are you?" her mom asked. "How is Audrey?"

"I'm okay," Emma said. "She's okay." When Emma and Audrey broke up, her mother had started acting like they had never dated at all. Audrey went right back to being a childhood friend. Emma had never figured out what to make of it, if it was a sign that her mother had never really approved of the relationship or one that she had been too disappointed by the split in order to dwell on it.

"Come in," her mom said, holding the door open for her. "Do you want me to take your bags upstairs?"

"Thanks, Mom, but I've got it," Emma said. The last thing she needed after coming back home was to be babied while she was here. "I want to freshen up a bit after the drive, anyway."

"Alright," her mother said. "I'll put on some water for tea."

Emma made the ascent up the staircase. It seemed smaller, somehow. Like the whole house had shrunk since she left. Could it really feel like coming back to your childhood home if you were only twenty three?

She turned the knob on her bedroom door, pushing down so it wouldn't stick. The room was exactly the way she had left it, with the curtains drawn and the bed neatly made. There was a single shoe sitting at the foot of the bed, it's mate long lost.

The bed.

Seeing it for the first time made everything real again. Will, filming her. Still not deserving what happened to him. What Keiran made her do to him. And all of the nights that she and Keiran had spent together. The nights spent reassuring her that he loved her and everything would be okay, all the while planning his next murder.

And Audrey. Audrey, who always made her feel safe. Audrey, who had loved her long before she was the final girl. Audrey, the only one who had really, truly loved her.

Without warning she burst into tears, torn between wanted to collapse on the bed and wrap all her blankets around her or take a box cutter to the mattress. She stood in front of it unable to choose, staring at the blurry image.

Her return to Lakewood was going to be harder than she had expected.


	3. Chapter 3

"Thanks for picking me up," Emma said as she got into Brooke's car.  After all of the memories had hit her, Emma didn't think that she was up to go over there alone.  She wasn't sure that she would have actually made it over there at all, and she didn't want to do that to Audrey.  Not tonight, at least.

"No problem," Brooke said, as she pulled out of Emma's driveway, tapping her fingers against the steering wheel as she drove.  "I'm happy to have the company, anyway."

"Yeah," Emma said. It had been awhile since she had talked to Brooke.  She looked the same.  She had always looked older than she was, and it seemed like her age had finally caught up with her.  She looked good, though.  A certain amount of life brought back to her face that Emma hadn't seen since before her father had died.

Emma watched as the streets passed.  The front lawns had changed a bit over the years, but she had every turn comitted to memory.

"How long has it been since you were in Lakewood?" Brooke asked.

"Four years," Emma said.

"Almost as long as me," Brooke said.  "I haven't been here since graduation."  She laughed, short and bitter.  "I'm staying in my old suite at the hotel."

"You're not serious," Emma said.

"It's not like this is a big AirBNB destination," Brooke said.  "Audrey offered for me to stay with her, but I didn't want to put her family in that position."

For the first time, it hit Emma that Brooke didn't have anyone in Lakewood to go back to.  "Brooke, you're always welcome to come and stay with me."

"It's okay," Brooke said.  "It's fine, really.  It's going to be weird no matter where I am, you know?"

"Yeah," Emma said.  "I know."

They turned onto Audrey's street and Emma's heart jumped.

"Are you going to be okay tonight?" Brooke asked.  "I knew you two haven't exactly been on the best of terms lately."

"I'll be fine," Emma said, trying to convince herself.

Brooke parked the car a few houses down from Audrey's and gave Emma's hand a squeeze.  She turned so she could root around in the back, producing two bottles of expensive-looking wine.  "Well, hopefully this will make the situation a little more fine."

"You know it's really,  _really_ good to see you," Emma said.

"What?" Brooke asked.  "Is that all I'm good for?  I thought my collection of booze would be much less appealing once you could procure it for yourself."

"Just to fall into old habits," Emma said, smiling.  "Some of them, I mean.  It's easy to forget that there were some nice things about this place."

Brooke smiled, too.  "I know what you mean."


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey," Brooke said, wrapping her arms around Audrey as soon as Audrey answered the door.  Audrey hadn't even had a chance to say anything.  Emma waited back as they stood there silent for what felt like too long.  When they finally let go, Emma could see that they both had tears in their eyes. "It's going to be okay," she said, giving Audrey a brisk nod.  She gave her a quick pat on the back, picked up her wine bottles, and pushed past Audrey into the house.

Emma stood on the second stair from the top, taking Audrey in for the first time in four years.  She was wearing an old flannel, one that Emma had borrowed hundreds of times.  One hand grasped at the little key hanging from her neck; a gift from her mother.  Her usual eyeliner was gone, replaced with puffy red eyes and dark circles.  Her face looked thinner, and she had changed her hair a bit.  It was more layered; less controlled.  Maybe it was just messy.  She was a mess.  She was beautiful.

"Hi," Emma said quietly.

"Thank you," Audrey said.  She jumped down a step so that she could hug Emma.  Tight.  It caught Emma off-guard, but she hugged her back, her hands firm on Audrey's shoulders and Audrey's head in the crook of her neck.  She could smell Audrey's shampoo, the strong scent of cinnamon and cloves.  Her fingers felt jumpy.  Audrey let go, one hand lingering gently on Emma's arm.  "Thank you so much for coming."

"Of course," Emma said.

"Come in, come in," Audrey said, motioning for Emma to follow her.  "The gang's all here."

Emma took a deep breath and followed Audrey into the house.  For a moment she was transported back to senior year, seeing the other three sitting in Audrey's living room.  They didn't go to her house often—her dad never seemed thrilled about having a bunch of people there—but there had been a few good nights here once everything had finally calmed down.

"Emma!" Noah said, rushing up to give her a hug.  He handed her a glass of wine, Brooke having already poured.  At least with Noah, it was easy.  Nothing complicated.

 "A toast," Brooke said, holding up her glass.  "In loving memory of Audrey's mother.  May she rest in peace."

As they clinked glasses, Emma could feel Audrey's eyes on her.  She flushed, heavily aware of it, but tried not to show it.  Tonight wasn't about them.  It was about Audrey.

Emma sipped on her wine.  It was going to be a long night.

* * *

 "So aside from the obvious," Brooke said, pouring another round of wine.  "How has Boston been?"

"Boston's good," Audrey said, staring into her drink.  "Cold, but it's good.  The film scene there isn't huge but it's a nice community, and I've got this project I'm working on that I'm pretty excited about."

"Look at you," Brooke said, giving Audrey a nudge with her elbow.  "Audrey Jensen, making it big time."

"You're one to talk," Audrey said.

Brooke blushed and rolled her eyes.  It was strange, the way that she and Audrey suddenly had this rapport.  Had they been talking?  She had always thought of Brooke and Audrey as being friends through her.  It was strange to think that they had stayed in touch without her.

"New York isn't all it's cracked up to be, I promise," Brooke said.  "But Columbia is incredible, and I'm working with this really great attorney.  She's even more of a bitch than I am, but she gets shit done and no one questions her on it."

"Noah's doing some cool stuff too," Audrey said.  "He's out in LA working for some movie thing online."

"It's a streaming service," Noah corrected.  "They're trying to fill the gap between classic film and recent releases but they have no idea what people actually want to watch, so they hired a few content consultants.  And they had heard my podcast, so they actually reached out to me.  Plus I get to write the movie descriptions, which is pretty awesome."

"Wow," Emma said.  "That's... really legit.  Congratulations."

"What about you?" Noah asked.  "What have you been up to?  I haven't heard from you in ages."

"Oh," Emma said.  What could she tell them?  She had nothing impressive to say.  No major achievements since graduating.  She had barely even managed that.  "I moved to Vermont after college."

"How did you end up in Vermont?" Noah asked.  "Didn't you go to school in Massachusetts?"

Emma nodded, trying to see Audrey's expression without making it clear that she was looking.  "I knew someone in college from Vermont," she said quietly.  "It turned out I really liked it up there so I decided to stay.  It's really calm and quiet up there."  She twirled her hair and then tucked it behind her ear.  "I'm working on a book right now so it seemed like a good place for inspiration."

"A book?" Brooke asked.  "I knew you kept journals but you never really seemed like the writer type."

"Yeah, it's about..." she bit her lip, looking into her glass.  "I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that.  I'm not writing a book.  I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.  You guys have all of this stuff going on and I still work in a coffee shop."

They all sipped their drinks.  Once again, Emma was the odd one out.  The only one who hadn't moved on and was making everyone else uncomfortable because of it.

"The website gig is already over," Noah said, suddenly.  "It seemed like it was going to be this great opportunity but the company is totally broke.  They're shutting down all of their operations.  And since I had to take time off from the podcast to do it, I've pretty much lost all of my sponsors."

"I don't understand," Audrey said.  "You told me everything was going really well."

"I lied," Noah said with a shrug.  "It didn't seem like the right time to tell you."

Brooke downed the rest of her glass.  "I had an affair with one of my professors," she volunteered.  "I didn't do it to get the job, but I don't think he would have written me the recommendation if I hadn't already been sleeping with him."  She held her head in her hands.  "And he was married with a kid.  It's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life."

"I lied too," Audrey said.  "If we're all going there.  I hate being in Boston.  I liked it there before but now that my mom's gone it feels lonely as Hell.  And I'm not a part of the film community there.  I hated everyone who was in my program.  I don't have anything going on there."  She looked at Emma.  "I work in a coffee shop too."

Emma bit her lip.  It was the first time Audrey had spoken directly to her since she had welcomed her in.  The look in her eyes was so unbearable that Emma had to stop herself from reaching out to her.  A few years ago, she would have known exactly what to say.  She would have known what to do for Audrey.  But too much time had passed.  There was too much space between them now.

"So we're all a disaster, then?" Noah asked.  "We're all fucked up?"

"We're all  _still_ fucked up," Brooke corrected.

Audrey went to the side table in the dining room and pulled out a bottle of liquor.  "I'll drink to that."


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey," Audrey said.  "Do you want a ride home?"

Noah had fallen asleep on the couch, the way he always had back in high school.  Brooke had left awhile ago, before she got too drunk to drive.  Emma had planned on that being her out, but had decided to stay.  She tried to convince herself that it was the right thing to do.  It  _was_ the right thing to do.  But that wasn't why she was doing it.  With the wine and the liquor and the pain of the evening, she wanted to talk to Audrey.

"I don't want you to have to do that," Emma said.  "I'll just call a taxi."

"I'm not rushing you out or anything," Audrey said.  "You can stay as long as you want."  She looked into her empty glass.  "Truth be told I'm not thrilled about being alone again so I'm happy to have the company."

"I know the feeling," Emma said.  She bit her lip.  "It's weird being back here, isn't it?"

"Weird is one way to put it," Audrey said.  "I tried to convince my dad to have the memorial in Boston but he wanted it to be back home.  I don't think he gets what it's like for us to be back here."

"My mom doesn't either," Emma said, shaking her head.  "She stayed.  I don't think she ever really understood why I couldn't."

"But you like Vermont?" Audrey asked.  She poured herself more bourbon and offered the bottle to Emma.  Emma shook her head, then changed her mind.  Audrey poured for her, more than she should have.

"Yeah," Emma said.  "It's really pretty up there.  I have this tiny studio apartment in town but you can almost see the lake from my bedroom window."

"So you live alone?" Audrey asked.  The weight of the question hung in the air between them.

"Just me and the cat," Emma eventually said.  She took a sip of her drink, numb to the taste of it.  "What about you?"

"I've got a couple of roommates," Audrey said.  She looked down, and then back at Emma.  "Just roommates."

"Good to know," Emma said.

"I'm sorry," Audrey said.  "It's stupid that we're talking about it like this.  We're adults.  I shouldn't be asking you if you 'live alone'."

"It's okay," Emma said.  "It's a weird situation.  It's not exactly easy to navigate."

"I think that's an understatement," Audrey said.  She smiled at Emma.  It was slim and forced, and clearly a lie.  Her face sobered immediately afterward.  "You know I really meant what I said about being thankful you're here tonight," she said.  "I know it wasn't easy for you coming down here given... well, everything.  But it means a lot to me.  And it would have meant a lot to my mom."

"I wouldn't have wanted to disappoint her," Emma said.  She bit her lip.  "And I wouldn't have wanted to do that to you, either."

"Your ability to do the right thing never ceases to amaze me," Audrey said.

Her heart fluttered.  She wanted to tell Audrey that she missed her.  That she still thought of her when she mixed her candy with her popcorn.  That her first reaction when she woke up from a nightmare was still to call her.  That she had tried to make it work with other people, but nothing ever felt like it had felt with Audrey.  Nothing even came close.

"We've been through so much together," she said instead.  "We have to be there for each other."

"It's that final girl mentality," Audrey said.

"Hey," Emma said.  "Don't forget that you're a final girl too."  She gave Audrey's arm a gentle nudge to test the waters.  Audrey looked away, but not before Emma saw a flash of a smile.

"I really don't want to inconvenience your dad," Emma said.  "But do you think I could crash on the floor?  It's just so weird being home.  I don't think I can do it."

"Of course," Audrey said.  "I'm sure he won't mind."

For a moment they held eye contact.  God, Emma missed her.  Even after everything that had happened.  She wanted to reach out to her.  To hold her.  Did Audrey?

"Well I've been up since five am, so I think I'm going to try and get some sleep," Emma said.  "But if you can't sleep, just come and get me."

"Emma," Audrey said.

"I mean it," Emma said.  "God knows I owe you for all of those sleepless nights."

"Thank you," Audrey said.  "Again.  I'll see you in the morning, I guess."

Emma nodded.  There was so much more that she wanted to say, but it wasn't the right time.  "Goodnight," she said.

"Goodnight, Em."


	6. Chapter 6

"Is it bad that I can't go look at her?" Emma asked.  She, Brooke and Noah were at the wake, standing in a corner as far away from everyone else as they could get.

Brooke shook her head.  "You've seen enough bodies to last a lifetime," she said.  "I don't think anyone will blame you for not wanting to see another one."

"It's not anyone that I'm worried about," Emma said, hugging her arms around her chest.  She looked over at Audrey, standing in the receiving line next to her father.  She was dressed up in a way that she only ever got for funerals: a simple black dress and cardigan with boots, the key from her mother the only piece of jewelry.

"She'll definitely understand," Noah said.

Emma watched as her mother walked into the room and immediately made her way over to them.  "Hi Brooke, hi Noah," she said, her voice quiet and calm.

"Hi, Maggie," they both said.

"It's nice to see you all together again," she said, resting a hand on Emma's shoulder.  "I'm going to go give my condolences to Audrey and her father."  She gave Emma's shoulder a squeeze before joining the line.

Emma looked across at Audrey, who smiled at her through a break in the line.  There had been a moment the night before.  Emma was lying on the floor, trying to sleep despite Noah's snoring when her phone buzzed.

_Remember how you said I could text you if I couldn't sleep? I think I might need to take you up on that._

Emma bit her lip as she read the message a few times.   _I'll be right up_ , she texted back.

Emma climbed the stairs, careful to make sure that she skipped the fourth one so it didn't creak.  She shook her head at how well she knew the house.  She knocked gently on Audrey's door before walking in.  "Hey," she said.  "What's going on?"

"It's just too much, Em," Audrey said.  Emma's eyes had adjusted to the darkness by now.  She could see Audrey's form sitting up in her bed, the blankets pulled up around her.

"Hey," Emma said.  She climbed into bed next to her, sitting on top of the blankets.  "You know that no one expects this not to be too much, right?"

"But they do," Audrey said.  "I'm supposed to be this tough bitch.  I made it through my friends getting murdered.  And my girlfriend getting murdered.  My mother passes away after being sick for most of my life and I suddenly can't handle it anymore."

Emma took her hand.  "A death isn't less sad because of how someone died," she said.

Audrey nodded and squeezed Emma's hand.  "I've missed you, Em," she said, quietly.

"I've missed you too," Emma said.

"Can you stay with me?" Audrey asked, her voice heavy with half of a sob.  "I don't mean... I just don't want to be alone right now."

Emma nodded and crawled under the blanket.  Her arm brushed against Audrey's side, bare through the large opening in her tank top.  She turned around so they were back to back, but her hand reached for Audrey's.

"You'll make it through this," she told her.  "You make it through everything."

* * *

"Looks like the gang's all back together."

Emma shook herself out of the memory and looked at the woman standing in front of them.  She was about their age, but Emma didn't recognize her.

"I'm sorry?" Brooke said.

"I just haven't seen any of you guys around in awhile," the woman said.  "But I don't blame you.  There's no way I could come back here if I had been at the center of all of that.  I mean, this place gives me the creeps and I hardly even knew Keiran."

Emma looked at Brooke and Noah.  They both looked as lost as she was.

"I went to high school with you guys," the woman said.  "Flora Jackson?  I was in your year?  Do you seriously not remember me?"

They all looked at each other again.  "Sorry," Brooke said.  "There was a lot going on for us in high school.  But you clearly know that."

"Whatever," Flora said, rolling her eyes.  "Nothing has happened in this town since then anyway.  What about you guys?  Did murder like follow you all around the country?"

"You know this is a wake, right?" Emma said.  "Someone passed away and we're here to honor her life right now, not to be your personal Lakewood gossip column."

"Sorry," Flora said, throwing her hands up.  "I was just curious."

"Everybody is," Brooke said under her breath.

Flora shook her head and walked to the refreshments table.  She wasn't the first one who had come up to ask them about the murders, but she was the first one that Emma hadn't been able to just ignore.  At least before it had been people who wanted to commend their bravery and talk about how they still couldn't believe it had happened.  This was just bullshit.  She had known that people would want to talk to them, but she had thought that they would have the decency not to do it in the middle of a funeral.

Emma looked over at Audrey, who was awkwardly receiving a hug from her mother.  She didn't deserve this.  None of them did.

"Here comes Miss Lang," Noah said, gesturing towards the entrance.  "Get ready for more uncomfortable murder conversation."

Emma felt sick.  "I think I'm going to go get some air for a minute," Emma said, quickly making her way out the back door.  She just couldn't take it anymore.

 


	7. Chapter 7

"It was nice to see your mom," Audrey said, as Emma helped her unload platters of leftovers into the fridge.  They didn't need it.  The fridge was already full of condolence casseroles.

"I'm glad," Emma said.  "She misses you."

"It's been awhile, huh?" Audrey said.  She closed the door to the refrigerator and leaned against it.  "She had some really nice things to say about my mom.  Stuff that I can barely even remember.  It was nice to hear.  A lot of people did.  It was kind of weird, honestly."

"That's good," Emma said.  She tucked her hair behind her ear, not knowing what to do with her hands now that all of the food had been put away.

"Hey, is everything okay with you?" Audrey asked.  She placed a hand on Emma's arm and then immediately removed it.

"Of course," Emma said, looking down.

"You've just been acting kind of off all day," Audrey said.  "And I just wanted to make sure that everything was still okay between us after last night."

"It's not about last night," Emma said, trying to remind herself that nothing had even happened last night.  All they did was share a bed.  There was no rekindling of any romance.  They were friends, sharing a bed.  Friends.  After four years, they were finally rebuilding a friendship.  And that was a  _good_ thing.

"Okay," Audrey said.  "So what _is_  it about?"

Emma bit her lip.  It wasn't right to rely on Audrey for support right now.  But it wasn't right to lie to her, either.  "Half of the people at that wake came up to me to talk about the murders," she said.  "They asked me so many questions.  All of this stupid stuff about Keiran and being a survivor and how Lakewood is so boring now that nobody's being killed here."

"Jesus," Audrey said, crossing her arms.  "What the fuck is wrong with people?"

"I knew being back here would be hard," Emma said.  "I knew it would bring up all of these memories.  But I didn't think people would actually talk to me like that."

"Screw them," Audrey said.  "She started pacing around the room.  "Don't let them get to you, Emma.  You're the final girl."  She stopped.  "Look at me."  Emma did.  "You're my final girl."

"Audrey," Emma said, her heart racing.  "Audrey, please don't."

"I mean it, Em," Audrey said.  The look in her eyes was so intense that Emma couldn't look away.  She was close enough that they could kiss.  Close enough that they almost were.  "I miss you.  All the time.  I don't know what I was thinking four years ago, I really don't.  And last night... I wanted to say something.  Or do something.  But I was so afraid of pushing you away even further.  And I just can't ignore it anymore.  I can't  _not_ say something."

She looked so small, standing there in that little black dress.  There were no layers of flannels and jackets; no smudges of eyeliner around her eyes.  No brow furrowed in anger.  It was a version of Audrey that hardly anyone had seen.  That she had only seen a handful of times.  Just a small girl with an expression so sad and pleading that it cut right to Emma's heart.

"I said the wrong thing, didn't I?" Audrey asked.  She put her hands up behind her head.  "Shit.  I thought there was something going on last night.  Clearly I misread the situation."

"Audrey I don't think I can go to the memorial tomorrow," Emma said.  "I'm sorry, I just don't think I can deal with it."

"You're kidding," Audrey said.  There was a sudden change in her demeanor, her tough exterior there once again.  "You are kidding, right?  You're not seriously telling me that you are skipping out on my mother's  _funeral_ because a few people said something that you didn't want to hear."

"You didn't hear what they were saying," Emma said.  "You don't understand."

"Oh,  _I_ don't understand?" Audrey asked.  She was shouting.  "Do you really think that I, of all people, don't understand what you're going through? What happened to how we understood each other?"

"You tell me," Emma said, matching her voice to Audrey's and trying not to cry in front of her.  "Because I don't know.  You broke up with me, Audrey.  You broke my heart and I still don't know why."

"Because of shit like this," Audrey said.  "Because you told me that I was your final girl over and over again but at the end of the day, everything was always about you.  And it still is.  Even when my mother is dead, it has to be about you."

"I don't understand," Emma said.  Her throat was tight.  "Last night you were saying that you knew this would be hard for me and you were so grateful for me pushing through it to be here.  I can't push through it anymore, Audrey.  I just can't."

"You won't even try," Audrey said, throwing her hands up.  "Do you know how much shit I pushed through for you?  Do you know how many times I put my own issues aside to help you with yours?"

"I didn't ask you to do that," Emma said.  "I told you I was there for you."

"But you couldn't be," Audrey said.  "Not really. And I never blamed you for it, because I knew you were going through shit.  I knew that you were doing the best that you could.  But you could be doing better now, and we both know that."

"Then what the Hell was last night?" Emma asked.  "What was happening five minutes ago?"

"Because I still love you," Audrey shouted, her chest heaving.  "For some stupid reason, I still love you.  And I thought that breaking up with you was the worst mistake I ever made.  I thought that it just wasn't the right timing and we were both too fucked up to be together.  But I also thought that you would have grown up since then.  And you haven't."

"I'm sorry that I haven't magically gotten better since the last time you saw me," Emma said.  Every defense mechanism she had was up.  How could Audrey be saying this?  How  _dare_ she?

"How are you still not getting it?" Audrey asked.  She was quieter now, in a way that was almost scarier than the shouting.  There was too much power in it.  "It's not about being better.  It's about doing something for someone you love even if you don't want to do it.  That's what love is about."

"I knew I shouldn't have come here," Emma said, shaking her head.  "I knew it was a bad idea."  She grabbed her bag and started walking toward the door.

"Where are you going?" Audrey called behind her.

"I don't know," Emma said, trying to angle her face so that Audrey couldn't see it.  "I don't care."


	8. Chapter 8

"Another double vodka soda," Emma said, pushing her glass towards the bartender.

"Make that two." Brooke took a seat on the bar stool next to Emma and winked at the bartender before turning back to Emma.  "How many have you had?"

"Two," Emma said.  "Did Audrey send you?"

"Not exactly," Brooke said.  "She was pretty upset, so she called Noah.  Noah called me.  I knew you weren't going home, and there's only so many bars in town."

"Two double vodka sodas," the bartender said.  He set the two glasses down on the bar.  "These ones are on the house."

"Thanks a bunch," Brooke said, biting on the end of her straw before leading Emma to a table in the corner.  She practically pushed Emma into one side of the booth and then sat down across from her.  "So what happened?" she asked.  "I want to hear your side."

Emma took a long sip of her drink.  "She told me she missed me," Emma said, looking away.  "And then I told her that I didn't think I could handle the memorial tomorrow.  And then we got in a big fight.  And she said some things that weren't very nice to me."  She took another sip.

"What kinds of things?" Brooke asked.

"That I'm a shitty friend," Emma said.  "That I was a shitty girlfriend.  That all I care about is myself."

She waited for Brooke to respond, but she didn't. 

"Is that how everyone feels about me?" Emma asked.  "That I'm some selfish bitch who doesn't care about anyone else?"

"Of course not," Brooke said.  "Well, not in those terms, at least."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Emma asked.

"I don't think Audrey really means most of what she said," Brooke said.  "But none of us are happy to be here, and Noah and I are doing it anyway.  And of course you were at the center of it.  Of course it affected you differently.  But Noah lost two girlfriends.  I lost two best friends.  And my boyfriend.  And my father.  We were all attacked.  We were all hurt.  We're all _still_ hurting.  But Audrey's hurting the most right now."

"It's just so hard," Emma said.  She was playing with the straw from her drink and avoiding Brooke's eyes.

"I know," Brooke said.  "But life is hard.  And you've made it through situations a lot harder than this.  So what's stopping you?"

"I'm scared, Brooke," Emma said.  The words came spilling out; half-formed thoughts funneled through the hole that the alcohol had made in her mind.  "I'm scared of seeing everyone at the funeral.  I'm scared of people asking me questions and talking to me and...  But I'm also scared of what's happening with Audrey.  And I'm scared of her breaking my heart again."

"Look," Brooke said, taking Emma's hands.  Emma looked.  "There's no question that you two had it rough as a couple.  You were both going to different colleges, close but not close enough.  That's hard for any couple.  Add in the fact that you've both survived horric trauma... that doesn't make it any easier.

"But despite all of that, you two were kind of meant for each other.  I mean, you got each other in a way that very few people can.  You had this crazy connection.  You still do."

"I haven't been happy with anyone since her," Emma said.  "I've never felt understood by anyone else.  I can't trust anyone else."  She downed the rest of her glass.  "Do you remember the night of the Halloween party?  When Audrey thought that Keiran was the killer?"

"I got stabbed and locked in a freezer," Brooke said.  "It isn't exactly a night that I could forget."

"She was right," Emma said.  "She was right about him all along.  And when we found out that it was him, she never held that over me.  Not even once."  She tried to squeeze one more sip out of the empty glass.  "I need another one."

"No you don't," Brooke said, taking the glass away from her.  "You don't want to be hungover tomorrow."

"She doesn't want me there," Emma said, her lips quivering.  "She hates me now.  It doesn't matter what I do."

"She doesn't hate you," Brooke said.  "She's angry.  So do the right thing, and she'll forgive you."

"Do you really think so?" Emma asked.

"I have extremely good evidence," Brooke said.  "Straight from the source.  Well, from Noah, so once removed."  She rolled her eyes.  "You two just need to talk some things out and everything will be right as rain."

"Okay," Emma said, nodding.  "Okay."

"Come on," Brooke said.  "I'll drive you home."

Home.  To her house.  It had felt even less like home when she came in that morning after spending the night with Audrey.  But Audrey's was not an option.

"Okay," Emma said.  "Let's go home."


	9. Chapter 9

Emma sat in the parking lot, fiddling with her car keys.  Her head was pounding from the night before; the two aspirin she took completely useless.  She wasn't sure if it was a hangover or just the lack of sleep.  Being home alone for the whole night had been just as bad as she had thought.  At some point in the early hours of the morning she had even considered calling Audrey, but had forced herself not to.

This was the right way to do things.  Even if it was the hard way.  Emma adjusted the rearview mirror to check her makeup, but moved it back before she looked.  It felt wrong to be checking how she looked for a funeral.  This wasn't about winning Audrey over, it was about being there for her.  She took a deep breath and got out of the car.

"You made it," Brooke said, walking over from her car.  She had on a long-sleeved black dress with a belt and her trademark funeral nail polish.

"I told you I would, didn't I?" Emma said.  "Where's Noah?"

"Already in there," Brooke said.  "He said he was saving seats for us.  You ready?"

"No," Emma said, looking down.  "But if I wait until I'm ready I'm never going in there."

"Do you want a little liquid courage?" Brooke asked.  She pulled a flask out of her purse and gestured towards Emma.

Emma shook her head.  "That's the last thing that I want right now."

"Fair enough," Brooke said, taking a swig before putting it back in her bag.  "Let's go."  She took Emma's arm and pulled her towards the door.

The funeral home was all too familiar.  Emma had been there countless times, for too many people.  The only way to find comfort in it was that Brooke, Noah and Audrey had been by her side every time.  Audrey had always been there, even when she didn't need to be.  She was there for Nina, who had ruined her life.  She was there for Will, who she hated for everything he had put Emma through.  But it had never mattered who the funeral was for, because she was there for Emma.  And this time, Emma would be there for her.

The room was packed already, everybody waiting for the service to begin.  Emma could feel the eyes on her as she walked down the aisle to take a seat.  Most of them were subtle about it, but no one could hide it.  She tried to keep them out of her head, focusing instead on memories of Audrey's mother.  How excited she was at their riding lessons when they were little kids, back before she got sick.  When she was still living at home, and they would bring trays to her bed full of food she couldn't eat, destroying the kitchen in the process.  She never complained.  The countless pictures they drew for her when she was moved to Boston.  She still had them the last time Emma had gone to visit; one of her last good days with Audrey before they had broken up.

Emma tried not to tear up as the memory of that day hit, as vivid as if it had just happened.  "I'm so grateful that you are in my daughter's life," she had told Emma when Audrey was out of the room.  Emma had looked into her eyes, as deep and intense as Audrey's were.  "I just feel so lucky to know that there is someone who understands and appreciates her the way you do.  Someone like that who will be there."  Audrey had walked in before she could continue, but Emma knew where the conversation was going.  For four years, she had let her down.  But now she was going to make it right.

Brooke peeled off to take a seat next to Noah.  Emma continued walking to the end of the aisle, biting her lip as she walked by Audrey's father.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" she asked cautiously.

Audrey looked up, her face full of so many different emotions that Emma couldn't quite pick up on any of them.  She gave a small nod, and Emma took the seat next to her.

There was nothing to say.  Not now, at least.  She took Audrey's hand, interlocking their fingers before covering them with her other palm.  Audrey rested her head on Emma's shoulder, so gently that Emma could barely even feel it.

For the first time since coming back to Lakewood, Emma finally felt herself relax.  Things weren't right with the world, but at least there was something.  At least they had each other.


	10. Chapter 10

"Do you need a ride home?" Emma asked, quietly.  She had been by Audrey's side through the memorial service and at the graveyard, but they had barely spoken.

Audrey shook her head.  "I'm going to go back with my dad," she said.  "I think we both need a little more time here."

"Okay," Emma said, nodding.  "I'll leave you to it.  But I need to tell you something before I go."

"Can we wait?" Audrey asked.  She sounded exhausted.   "I have a lot to say to you too, I just... I can't right now.  Can I come see you later?"

"Of course," Emma said.  "Just not my house, okay?  I need to not be there."

"I know what you mean," Audrey said.  "Where do you want to go?"

Emma flipped through the options in her head.  There wasn't a single place in this town where the good memories hadn't been tainted.

"Let's go to the lake," she finally said.  It wasn't exactly full of good memories, but at least it was the place where they had won.

"Okay," Audrey said. Emma gave her a hug, her fingers lingering on Audrey's as she pulled her arms away. She walked towards her car, watching Audrey as she walked back toward the grave.  She wanted to call out to her; to tell her that she loved her.  She bit her tongue, forcing herself to wait.  It had been four years.  She could handle a few hours.

* * *

"I'm sorry," Emma said, as soon as they had sat down on the edge of the dock.  Emma dangled her feet in the water, wanting to look brave.  She still didn't feel brave enough to look Audrey in the eye.  "I freaked out yesterday.  About being back here... about us.  But the idea of not going to your mother's funeral... that was a really shitty thing to even consider.  Because I never felt anything but loved and appreciated by her.  And by you.  And I'm really,  _really_ sorry."

"I'm sorry too," Audrey said.  She took off her shoes and rolled up the legs of her jeans.  Her bare legs bumped up against Emma's as she dipped her feet into the lake.  "I was really upset yesterday, and I might have been a little hard on you."

"You were right, though," Emma said.  "I was only thinking about myself.  And I forget sometimes that you've all had it just as hard as I have."

"But we all experienced it differently," Audrey said.  "And you had a really hard time dealing with it."  She placed a hand on Emma's thigh.  "That's not really why I broke up with you.  It was just too much.  I thought that us being together was just fueling everything that was wrong with us; that we were making things worse for each other."

"We weren't doing too great, were we?" Emma asked.  It was a long time before leaving Lakewood actually made things easier.  She had wanted to make a clean break, but the story was still too fresh.  People knew who she was.  People who didn't know got weird when they found out.  Brooke was in Connecticut, which had seemed close, but they never saw each other.  Noah had ended up all the way in California.  Even Audrey was too far away.  Lakewood had been a living Hell, but at least she hadn't been alone there.

"I'm not much better," Emma said.  "I still have nightmares that wake me up.  I still get scared if the phone rings and I don't know the number.  I'll think I see Keiran in a crowd, or Piper, and I just..."  She kicked her feet back and forth in the water, not sure where any of this was going.

"Hey," Audrey said.  "You live alone.  You came back to Lakewood.  You dealt with everyone at the memorial."  She put an arm around Emma, pulling her close.  "You're doing really well, Em."

"You're not supposed to be doing this right now," Emma said, her voice breaking.  "You're comforting me again.  I'm the one who's supposed to be there for you right now."

"We can be there for each other," Audrey said.  "I want us to be there for each other."

Emma put her hand around Audrey's waist.  Audrey leaned into her, the bottom of her shirt rising up as she rested her head on Emma's shoulder.  "I miss you, Audrey," Emma said.

"I miss you, too," Audrey said.

She tilted her head so that she could look Emma in the eyes.  Emma kissed her gently, the taste of Audrey's lips finally making her feel at home.  She held onto Audrey like she was holding on for her life.  Like if she let her go she would lose her forever.  When the kiss ended Emma kept holding on, one hand still on Audrey's bare waist and the other on her face.  She wanted to feel all of her features; to know her face again.

"I forgot," Audrey said.  "I have something for you."  She turned around to face Emma, pulling something out of her back pocket.  She handed Emma a small box.  "It was my mom's," Audrey told her.  "She gave it to me to give to you the first time I went there after we had broken up.  She had forgotten, from all of the drugs.  But she wanted you to have it."

"You kept it all that time?" Emma asked.

Audrey shrugged.  "I always wanted you to have it," she said.  "I thought about calling you, but I could never work myself up to it.  But late is better than never, I guess."

Emma opened the box and pulled out a long chain.  It was an antique; a blue cameo necklace with an intricate white flower.  "Daffodils," Emma said, tracing the raised image with her thumb.

"Here," Audrey said, holding out a hand.  "I'll put it on for you."

Emma turned and brushed her hair aside.  Audrey's fingers danced around the back of her neck, closing the clasp and then playing with Emma's hair.  "Let me see," Audrey said.  Emma turned around.  "It's beautiful."

Emma put a hand up to the necklace.  "It's not going to be easier this time," Emma said.  "It never gets easier.  We can't do this if we're not ready for that."

"I know," Audrey said, brushing Emma's hair behind her ear.  "I know.  I'm ready."  She kissed Emma again.  It was enough to convince her that she was telling the truth.

"I love you," Emma whispered.

"I love you too."

 


End file.
